Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Stop sending me this shit.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys