not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
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Breaking news:
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money