not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
That took me a moment.
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.