Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible