Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Printer ink is expensive
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.