Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
