Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
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So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I thought this was funny lol
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.