Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

WTF IS THAT!

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN