Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.