Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great