Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.