Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver