not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.