not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
road rage
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]