Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:

a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!