Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast