Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”