Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Hmmmmmmm….
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.