Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I can’t stop watching this.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.