Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?

me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

water it, i dare you

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.