Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.