Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.