Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
It’s on my to-do list.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)