Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
British people
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
moms in horror movies
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.