Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*mops up wine with cat*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?