Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth