Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
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Unmatched
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.
Churches be like pew pew pew
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.