Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“I wouldn’t.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision