Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

These are my roll models.

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

I only treason on days ending in y

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one