Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Her: I just feel so alone

Him: Jesus loves you

Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

🤔😂😂

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds