Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
You Might Also Like
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
My dog learned how to text
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.