Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”