Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
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when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
