Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
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“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.