Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume