Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
she has a point
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels