Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

What a kind woman! 😂😂

That’s fair

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

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