Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’