Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

Why is no one talking about this?!

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.