Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

🤣🤣

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

Is this the real life?
Is this just

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.