Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks