Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

This is me 🤣🤣

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

thank god the sign was there

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.