Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

bad
worse
worst
worchester

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.