Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!