Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

I have never related to a cat more

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.