Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.