Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet

Wife: Have you tried rice?

Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?