Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

As the Lord intended

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea