not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I created you as mosquito food.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management