not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You Might Also Like
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.