Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.