not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Good morning
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.