Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My favorite female superhero
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears