Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.