Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.