Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes