Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

Tinder: Meet people within a few miles

Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats