Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me 2 months after i graduated
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
They must have gotten it to go.
