Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

This is my bus stop.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

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