Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

why neck hurt

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.