Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.