Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
The biggest mystery of our time
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.