Not messing around
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right