Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.