Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
getting old is fun
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?