Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.