Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
what could possibly go wrong?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.