Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”