Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us