Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.