Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

*As people try to get me to go kayaking.

Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.