Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”