“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
so, is there a mister shapen head
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,