“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
screw you
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho