Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.