Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Finally
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!