Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army