Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox